SEX, DRUGS AND SOCIAL
SECURITY–THE BLOG
Want to hear more from Laurel? Check out her new blog, Sex, Drugs and Social Security (www.sexdrugsandsocialsecurity.com) for her uniquely humorous take on inventing a life so rich with possibilities that it makes old age look like something you won’t want to miss. Here’s a sneak peek:
• On Viagra: In reality it’s unlikely to deliver an erection like a telephone pole and the impulse control of a 17-year-old. It’s a pill, not a trip to Lourdes.
• On Exercise: Left to their own devices, most bodies are content with nothing more than a high-calorie-low-stress-flannel-lined-La-Z-Boy existence with a bit of sex thrown in now and then. A gym membership? No thanks. But if you don’t take care of your body now, where do you expect to live in the future?
• On Sex after 65: Maybe you’re convinced that your only chance of getting laid is to find a partner with failing eyesight and a taste for necrophilia.
• On Plastic Surgery: The only body work I’ve had is the type that can be self-administer with my forty-nine-dollar-a-year gym membership and a lot of will power. Even so, if not approached carefully, full-length mirrors can dish out a brand of honesty I might expect from outspoken relatives or mean girls.
• On Male Sexual Supplements: You have to ask yourself if the makers of Chainsaw ever thought about it from a female point of view. Do I want someone approaching my feminine discomfort region with a penis powered by the image of a machine that can take down a redwood?
• On Erectile Dysfunction: He’s not doing it. His erectile is. Yep, blame his erectile.
• On Boomer-Bashing: Long before one boomer jogged or wheezed across the social security line, pundits were predicting a disaster of Chinese proportions—Woodstock-on-walkers; geriatric ghettos festooned with miles of oxygen tubing, solar-powered wheelchairs, jiffy coffins, and an army of semi-abled seniors sucking resources from the country at an audible rate. Breaking News: It’s non-scientific, headline-grabbing bullshit. • On Finding the Sacred in Life: From time to time I’m visited by a vague nostalgia for something….divine. Perhaps if I’d been raised by atheists or wolves I’d be free of this sense that there are sacred things in this life. Or maybe the longing is innate. More nature than nurture. All I know is that the urge to be in awe lingers and digs deeper into my heart.
